This is how easy it is to steal an election:
David Sedaris marvels at the inanity of the undecided voters paraded around on teevee. The choices really are this stark:
I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?
To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.
I hope this concentrates the minds of anyone who either hasn’t chosen, or has opted for the merde avec verre cassé by mistake. Don’t be fooled by the pretty name: it’s still just shit with broken glass.
So is McCain.
Try the poulet a l’espoir de Obama instead. I hear it’s outstanding.
(Tip o’ the shot glass to Tristero at Digby’s Hullaballoo)
Got me ballot. Got me Google. This is the brilliant thing about mail-in ballots: I can sit here and really scrutinize the bastard, make sure I’m not voting for something that’s all sizzle and no substance. Consider this Dana Hunter’s Official List of Endorsements for the 2008 Washington State Election.
Righty-o. In order of appearance:
Not no but fuck NO. On the surface, it looked decent enough: open the carpool lanes to all traffic during off-peak daytime hours (which Arizona does, and it makes it soooo much easier to get around), along with increased roadside assistance funding and other goodies. But two strikes: the Seattle P-I editors hate hate hate it, and it’s the darling of Tim Eyman. I hadn’t heard of Tim Eyman before tonight. I’ve now heard quite enough. NO.
Well, this one’s proving a bugger. Lot’s of noise against. However, after reviewing said noise, it appears that it’s the screaming of people who don’t want to have to undergo background checks and pay for training before they can care for the elderly. The people against are almost all home care businesses whose arguments sound like Republicon Talking Points 101. And they’re afraid of the scary union!!11!!1! SEIU was a driving force behind this, so of course it’s all about the evil unions trying to impose standards on the free market. Blah. Seriously, even if it costs a little extra, I’d rather the person caring for Grandma is certified and checked. YES.
How many fucking Charter Amendments can you stuff onto one ballot? Jeez. Eight of the thrice-bedamned things. This is when being a responsible citizen sucketh mightily.
Except… So far, ProgressiveVotersGuide.org has been with me 100%, so why not trust their judgement here? After cursory review, o’ course. So, the quick-and-dirty:
#1: Experience over popularity contest for Elections Director – sounds good to me. NO
#2: Prohibiting discrimination – duh. YES
#3: Less city council members on assorted committees. No fucking clue. I’m not a local policy wonk, so shall entrust my opinion to those who are. YES
#4: Establishing minimal qualifications – “We think our Sheriff , Assessor and Elections Director should know what they’re doing.” Me too. YES
#5: Improved economic forecasting. Hell, improved anything economic sounds good. YES
#6: More time to review a budget that has – ye gods – gone from the millions to the billions. YES
#7: Make laborious and confusing charter amendment stuff more simple. After what I’ve just been through with it? And I didn’t even have to propose one of these damned things! YES
#8: Removing party identification from some county offices – sponsored by three Republicons. Say no more. These fucktards can run, but they cannot hide. NO
Brilliant. I love that website. Too bad it’s only for Washington State, but I’m sure there’s one like it for yours. Use the power of teh Google and get informed.
Now that we’ve got that nonsense out of the way, it’s on to the super-important stuff: the first President I will ever vote for.
That’s going to be such a hard choice.
(BTW, you know this is a blue state when there’s not one but two Socialist parties on the Presidential portion of the ballot. Wow.)
Now on to the second most exciting part of my evening: I FINALLY GET TO VOTE FOR JAY INSLEE OMG!!11!11!1! Ahem.
United States Representative Congressional District No. 1: Jay Inslee.
Damn, that feels good. Two of my favorite politicians in the entire fucking universe, there.
Governor: No question, no doubt in my mind. Christine Gregoire. Suck it, Dino!
Lieutenant Governor: Well, Marcia McCraw gets brownie points for not being a gutless wonder and actually owning the name Republicon, but still. Brad Owen.
Secretary of State: Shit, this one’s really hard. I swore to myself I’d never vote for a single Republicon, but Sam Reed’s endorsement list is a mile bloody long, and even the ProgressiveVotersGuide.org loves him. Wingnuts hate him. And it is not my policy to punish a man for his party. Crapola. Sam Reed.
State Treasurer: Not really a contest here. When you have two solid candidates, and one of them’s a good solid Dem, and you’re a lefty, you plump for the Dem. Jim McIntire.
State Auditor: Now, I’m tempted to vote for the Dem for two reasons. 1 – he’s a Dem; 2 – I like his last name. But this is not responsible voting. We now consult the oracles. The Stranger and ProgressiveVotersGuide.org both agree: Brian Sonntag.
Attorney General: Strong record of supporting civil liberties, reproductive rights, consumer rights, AND environmental protection vs. anti-abortion Republicon climber who let Dino weasel out of calling himself a Con. No fucking contest. John Ladenburg.
Commissioner of Public Lands: (I know, when we get down into the ballot’s nether regions, it’s about as exciting as watching sheep graze. But this shit’s still important. Stick with me – we’ll get there.) Hey, a biologist! And a Dem!!1! Easy: Peter J. Goldmark.
Superintendent of Public Instruction: Hmm. Non-partisan office. Challenger does not appear to be a closet creationist and has assloads of political (former Democratic State Rep) and educational experience. Current incumbant couldn’t answer the questions on the noxious standardized test she forces all students to pass. FAIL. Randy Dorn.
Insurance Commissioner: The Stranger says we should stick it to one of the Founding Fathers. I have a harder time with this – John Adams is also one of my characters. But my John Adams is no fucking Republicon, and the Democratic challenger is an advocate of health care reform and other progressive goodness. Mike Kreidler.
Legislative District No. 45, Position No 1: This is where endorsements matter, because I’ve paid fuck-all attention to local races. I shall plump for the candidate supported by the people I believe in, and when you have one guy supported by a huge swath of organizations out to do good, and one endorsed by nothing but business interests, the choice is simple: Roger Goodman.
Position No 2: Ditto, Larry Springer.
(And yes, I peeked at the issues, too. And yes, the Republicons running are Republicons. ‘Nuff said.)
State Supreme Court Justice Position No. 3: Spoiled for choices here. We have a name and a blank line, and not even my trusty voter guides seem to have this one on the radar. However, Judgepedia gives me enough info to know I don’t need to write in Screaming Rubber Chicken as a protest vote. Mary Fairhurst.
Position No. 4: Judgepedia likes him. Charles W. Johnson.
Position No. 7: Heh. She looked like such an easy shoo-in that her challenger dropped out. Debra L. Stephens.
Court of Appeals etc. etc. No. 5: Judgepedia fails me, but Google shows the only contender was appointed by Gov. Gregoire, and there seem to have been no embarrassing incidents. Good ’nuff. Linda Lau.
No. 6: Holy shit, she’s got an assload of experience. No scandals Google could find. Ann Schindler.
Superior Court Judge Position No. 1: Finally, some competition again! I’ll take the candidate endorsed by NARAL, thanks. Sue Parisien.
No. 22: The lady described as “This badass former federal civil-rights attorney” by the Stranger so has my vote. Holly Hill.
No. 37: I’ll take the candidate who’s rated “outstanding” and “exceptionally well qualified” AND is endorsed by NARAL and Equal Rights Washington. Jean Rietschel.
And, at long last… the final vote to be cast. Prop. No. 1: Mass Transit Expansion. Hell to the YES. Or, in this case, APPROVED.
Fini. A few hours with Google, and I’ve been a responsible voter, choosing people that I think are best qualified for the positions they’re running for (don’t you fucking make me regret that one Republican vote, Sam!) and choosing the right stand on the ballot measures. In the Age o’ the Intertoobz, there is no reason on earth why you can’t do the same.
Kitteh sez: GET OUT THE VOTE! Even if you punk off the rest of the ballot, she’d like you to vote for this man:
They not only share political views, but exquisite taste in columns.
Voting a straight ticket is anything but straight in this country.
In North Carolina, if you’re voting a straight-party ticket, you must vote separately for the president. If you don’t, you risk your vote for president not being counted.
In Texas, Alabama and South Carolina, voting a straight-party ticket includes the president. Email rumors, of course, say otherwise.
Be very careful this election season, my darlings. Don’t believe everything you read in emails, READ YOUR BALLOT’S INSTRUCTIONS, and try to read up on your state’s laws before you cast your vote.
I don’t know why the Republicons are so gung-ho about suppressing votes when the bloody state-by-state variation in rules does the job all by itself…
If your precinct uses those bloody touchscreen voting machines, make sure you watch who it’s voting for on your behalf:
THE PROBLEM was that my touch-screen voting machine inaccurately put a green check mark in the McCain/Palin box when I touched my guy’s name. I followed the instructions and touched the incorrect check mark to “de-select” it and then used my pinky instead of my index finger to select Obama/Biden. That wasn’t the end of my frustration, though.
Three times the touch screen mistakenly assigned my preference to the wrong candidate. Now I’m a technologically savvy individual, so it didn’t fluster me too much, having read the directions, knowing that I could immediately “un-check” one and select the other, and further knowing that there would be a screen at the end with a summary of my selections, and an opportunity to “Return to the Ballot,” before actually casting the “VOTE.” Not all voters are as tech savvy as me–in fact few of them are. There was an alert tone that sounded when I touched Obama/Biden, and a bright green check mark appeared in the box (the wrong one, of course, but I could have missed it), and the paper tape that keeps record was printed on and moved. I would imagine that MANY people would move on at that point…I mean, it sounded and “looked” like the right thing happened.
Let’s not have any tragic accidents, shall we? Slow down, take your time, and verify. Otherwise, we might end up with Grampa McCrabbypants and Sarah Failin’ in charge of our destinies – a fate too horrible to contemplate without copious quantities of alcohol and psychotropic drugs.
Ah, ’tis Election Season. That hue and cry I hear must be the Republicons in full-throated panic over the potential of scary poor people, minorities and dirty liberals actually getting to vote. They know their “ideas” are noxious to the vast majority of thinking people. How else can they win but by trying to ensure that such undesirables aren’t allowed to cast a vote?
They do this every election year. As sure as it rains in Seattle in winter, the Republicons start screaming “Voter fraud!” when election time rolls round. Never mind they can never prove large-scale fraud. Never mind they’re the ones who gerrymander, voter cage, and intimidate people into not getting their vote counted. They either a) need to steal elections by dirty tricks or b) need to cast doubt on the results if they lose. So they go looking for windmills to tilt at.
They’re outdoing themselves this year. From voter-roll purges to flyers in poor neighborhoods threatening arrest on Election Day to using foreclosure lists to knock off voters, not to mention a billion other tactics they’ve tried over the last few months, they’re trying every method they can think of to stop all those impassioned Dems from casting their vote. Now they’re in full freak-out mode over ACORN, a nefarious group that not only registers a lot of poor people to vote, but actually flags suspicious registration forms so that the proper authorities can act accordingly and prevent fraudulent registrations. Oh, the horror!
(Ahem. Correct me if I’m wrong, here, but if you were planning to massively register a lot of fictitious people in hopes of stealing an election, would you actually tip the authorities that some of the registration forms you’ve collected and are now required by law to send in might be fraudulent? I didn’t think so. But the Republicons are so far around the bend that they think concientious attempts to ensure that only legitimate folks get registered are a sign of massive fraud.)
So, given all these shennanigans, how are you to protect your vote? Simplicity itself, my darlings.
1. Verifiy you’re registered. Do it. Do it NOW.
2. Give yourself plenty of time at the polls in case of problems, or vote absentee.
3. But IF you vote absentee, make sure additional hoops don’t have to be jumped through to get that vote counted. Check your state’s laws.
4. Carry this number with you: 1-866-OUR VOTE . The good folks at The Election Protection Commission have your back if problems crop up.
5. Prepare to sue the shit out of the Rethugs and their pals if they purged you illegally. It’ll be fun.
Don’t let these cons steal your vote from you. You have the right to vote. Exercise it with glee.